Saturday, January 19, 2013

What I learned

This week I had an opportunity to meet with some professionals along with my oldest daughter and I walked out a little wiser. This is what I learned.

Okay, there are some pieces to the puzzle that I already knew.

I already realized that I have become a good judge of certain personality types. This is wholly the result of my studies on how to build believable characters, specifically villains. Abusive men and I suspect women too who are abusers, are charming initially and then become verbally destructive and controlling. Dr. Phil likes to say, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." He is right.

That said, I learned this week that it will take 10 years of regular therapy for a woman to leave an abusive man. That is how much control abusers have over their victims. I knew it was difficult, but I didn't realize just how hard it really is.

Sometimes the abuser crosses the line and ends up in jail and their victim is left in desperate emotional distress. It is even worse if a child is involved. Children have a tough time dealing with the emotional distress the abuser leaves them in.

Now, I will have more patience with both my girls and I will forgive myself for being unable to leave an abuser. My story turned out happier than my oldest daughters. My husband received Jesus and now turns to God rather than living in his anger. Still, the scares of past years are hard to overcome. But my husband never hit me. My would be son-in-law, (thank God he isn't) did hit, and now faces a long jail term since he is a repeat offender.

Social Service in this country has really changed. They put together a group of people dedicated to helping both my daughter and grandson. I was so impressed. Now, instead of being left broken, my daughter and my precious grandson will receive the help they need to lead healthy productive lives.

That is all.


Yolanda Renee said...

What awesome news, you must be so relieved!

My first husband was abusive, I got out but the scars do last.

Blessing for you and yours!

Denise Covey said...

Nancy, how hard is this? It must be dreadfully hard, but so good that social services have got their act together and your daughter and grandson will have a happier life as a result.
Don't beat yourself up over this. It is always puzzling on the outside looking in and wondering why women just don't leave someone with these control issues.
I wish your whole family, especially your daughter and grandchild at this time, every good wish and blessing.

Denise x

N. R. Williams said...

Hi Yolanda
Yes, it takes time.

Hi Denise
No, I'm done with the self blame game. Thanks for your good wishes.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Glad your daughter has help and can escape that situation. I just don't understand how anyone could abuse another person.

mshatch said...

Glad your daughter and grandson will be getting help. How awful for you!

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Nancy .. it sounds a tough ride - but thank goodness for people realising what is required ...

You must be relieved - all of you ... with many thoughts and very good luck for the happier future ... Hilary

Mel Chesley said...

Very glad to hear they got out of that situation. And I am happy for your husband's change. You are a special person and I am sure your daughters are as well.
I got out of not one, but two abusive relationships. The first one was difficult. But, I didn't get any therapy which is why I went right into another without even knowing it. By the time I figured it out, it was easy to kick him to the curb. Followed by lots of therapy. I'm a pretty strong willed woman, but when someone breaks you, it can take a very long time to get back to where you used to be. You need to make a conscious decision of how you want your life to be and don't let anything get in your way. Hubby #3 and I have been together almost 12 years. The longest marriage of mine by far and the best. I chose someone I normally would never consider and fell head over heels. :D Good luck to your girls. They will find their strength.

Rachna Chhabria said...

I am glad that your daughter and grandchild have help. I hope for better times for them in future.

N. R. Williams said...

Thanks Alex, MSHatch, Hilary, and Rachna for your prayers and positive thoughts.

I too am a strong woman. I've also noticed that most abused women don't say anything. I think speaking out is the first step to reclaiming who you are.

Thanks all.