Insecure Writer's Support Group

The first Wednesday in July means it's time for another Insecure Writer's post. Brain child of Alex J. Cavanguah. To read what others have to say go here.

So...what are you insecure about?...or what are you encouraged about?

Well...it seems to me that both emotions ebb and flow like the tide. Today I'm going to share my greatest insecurity. It's a whopper, no cheese added.

Yes...here it is. My big ugly problem. I have a lot of great reviews. Even so, I don't believe anything I do is good enough. The euphoria of a good review will last a few hours. Once it lasted all day. It evaporates like dew on a sunny morning. Why?

I am a survivor of abuse. From my father who belittled me. From my mother who gave me mixed signals, saying I was mentally challenged, (I had a learning disability,) to saying I was brilliant with my artistic abilities and then saying I'd never make money at anything I mentioned as an interest. Confusing. I was a brilliant loser who would never amount to anything unless I became a nurse like her. I had no interest in nursing and still don't.

In my early twenties I joined a Christian free group. I was the happiest I'd ever been and then...the elder decided I would like a certain brother who I knew didn't like me. This brother did everything in his power to ignore me and even lied about me to others making me into his scapegoat. The same elder said we couldn't see each other and told all the brothers I wanted to marry them. Ridiculous. Remember my father. I was afraid of men. It took everything inside of me to open up to that brother. Once I was off limits he decided he wanted me after all and started staring at me in every meeting until I developed panic attacks. Over a year. I was excommunicated and moved away. But the fear has never left.

That should do it right? No...I got married. My father-in-law died three years into our marriage and my mother-in-law had terminal cancer. When that happened my husband suddenly remembered his abusive childhood and just like that, he became an abuser. Life was hell. I tried to find a job that paid well enough so I could take the kids and leave. I begged my mother to help me and her response was, "I'll take the kids." No way was I going to abandon my children. The church I was in wouldn't help. My friends wouldn't help. I got to a point where I couldn't cry anymore. My world was darkness.

So, how did I survive? I started writing. All the fears, all the horrors, all my insecurities became fodder for my characters. And...in that process I started to heal. My mother took up writing also when she retired, so I finally had something she approved of. Remember that learning disability? I was switched from my left hand to my right and flunked English grammar. I joined a writers group and learned grammar and how to write. I never had the money to leave my husband and he made sure I never had enough money to go back to school. He has changed though. He found Jesus and has mellowed. There is no more abuse.

Still...scars remain and I suspect my friends get tired of telling me they love my books. So here to you all. I appreciate everyone who tries to encourage me and who buys my book to read it. Soon I'll have a new book cover and also print copies. For now my epic fantasy is an e-book on Amazon and so are the other books in the side bar. I'd really appreciate it if anyone who hasn't read them yet and left a review would do so. The sequel is with my editor and a short story is in the submission process. My motto: Never give up, never surrender.

Cheers,
Nancy

Amazon link