So here we are getting ready for a new and untested year, 2013, and I'm wondering how many of you will post on 'Resolutions,' for your Insecure Writer's Support Group post? (Brain child of Alex J. Cavanaugh, you can read other entries here.)
I like the word 'Determination' much better than 'Resolution.' Resolution comes with a preconceived baby called failure. We start something only to stop. It's a hard learned cliche. Determination implies that despite unexpected difficulties you will persist. A better word, don't you think?
To be honest, in mid-December, this post would have taken on an extreme negative tone. I was in terrible pain from my teeth deteriorating since last years long illness. I can't afford a Dentist and so far I haven't found help. This is serious. I was born with a heart murmur. I have high blood pressure. Any infection in the mouth can cause a heart attack or stroke. I could die sitting here writing this. If I finish you'll know I didn't. I rinsed away the infection by combining a strong mouth wash with hydrogen-peroxide. It works and I'm continuing this every day. I know not to swallow.
My life is very difficult. I could spend a week detailing everything that is wrong along with all my worries from my children who chose violent abusive men to be the father to their children, to the lack of money, I've only had $20.00 a week for food along with too many unpaid bills. It's hard to focus on anything with these worries.
Last year I began with a Resolution that I would turn around my life, get well and start to make serious money with my stories so I could afford a Dentist. Half of my resolution came true. I'm no longer suffering from acute bronchitis and won't die from that. But my writing has had one set back after another.
To back track a little, last year in September we helped our two children find an apartment together by paying the first month's rent. The alternative was homelessness for everyone, including us, since our place is a one bedroom and the landlord intended to evict us for letting the children stay. I just finished telling you I had $20.00 a week for food, this is why. We had to borrow from my husband's future paychecks and they aren't big in the first place. Since then my children have started fighting and one of them moved out. We will never be reimbursed which was the agreement.
Remember, my short story seems rushed because I am desperate for money. Hate to admit that one.
This is still September in my retailing.
I turned to my youngest daughter and tried to motivate her to become my book cover artist. She is a brilliant artist but has given up on herself. Remember I told you about her ex. Verbal and physical abuse leave internal wounds. She used my computer trying to learn the GIMP program for working in pictures and eventually gave up. Another dead end.
At this point you are shouting at me, do it yourself!
When I was in college my major was art. I had a professor who had us publicly display our final paintings for critique and grade. The entire class was there. I loved painting African animals. He publicly attacked me about my choice of subject and he did the same with everyone else. That man crushed the joy of art out of me. I've had trouble motivating myself to do any art ever since.
Now we come back to the title of this post, Determination.
I am no longer looking for a miracle, they do happen to me. I will continue to try to find someone, I may have already found someone but my recent illness has prevented me from pursing this at the moment. I will also try to figure out how I can work on some art myself. There's a real challenge in this since the single flat surface in our apartment is the table and the computer is on it. I'm thinking maybe the Library.
In the end, I want to find the little girl inside of me who loved to draw and paint. She is there in the words I craft, so I know she is hiding behind the butterfly bush. That little girl needs to stop being afraid and start living with joy in her heart. That fear is a whole different story. Like I said, my life isn't easy.
I hope your determination is moving you forward.
Notice: My email is over run with spam and I don't check it anymore. If you need to get a hold of me leave a comment and I'll email you my new e-mail address.